The House of Tiny Tearaways
by Phoenix2qt
Summary: Final Fantasy 7 style... contains mayhem and turks! and santa


_(Narrator nervously begins scenes of riot and uproar behind her in the huge red house. Fires blaze from the windows, a child swings from a light flex, and naked but for finger paint… another child is making animal calls while he goes "poopie" in the garden)_

"This is the house of tiny tearaways…

On day six the Wallace family are still having problems with their youngest son Zachary. He is by far the worst child therapist Tanya has ever dealt with. Extreme ADHD symptoms, narcissistic rage, manic depressive moments and a lust for blood that can't be satisfied. He has encouraged the other children to fight and argue, their parents are now afraid to leave the security of the quiet room.

In desperation Tanya has called in outside help… a crack team of disciplinary experts who promise to whip this young hell cat into shape and quell the teeny bopper revolution."

_(Narrator gets hit on the head by a large purple teddy bear light fixture and is knocked unconscious)_

The children raced at the new arrivals, weapons at the ready. Lunging for the legs they soon took the intruders down, slapping them with an assortment of modified toys. A Barbie with a metal ladle for a head, a painful implement if you get hit by it. A teddy bear stuffed full of play doh and left to dry so it was a cute equivalent of a brick, and a dirty nappy wrapped around a wooden spoon… well the child who wielded that weapon wasn't particularly bright.

"AAAAAARGH THAT STINKS" they couldn't exactly fight back… I mean who would hit a tiny child?

"This has to be the worst job ever" they shook the children off, leaping up they took up defensive stances. The children tried again, screaming insults and battering into them. Paint spattering, play doh flying, other non solid matter being flung.

"This is like being in the monkey house at the zoo"

"What were you doing in the monkey house?"

"I got drunk okay?" he ducked to avoid a sopping wet nappy.

_(Narrator regains consciousness)_

"As you can see the new arrivals have some problems taming the children. Their presence has only served to enrage the already angry kids."

_(A fire spell goes horribly wrong and her dyed hair catches ablaze, running around screaming the narrator doesn't see the Ritalin delivery truck and slams straight into its path. Sailing through the air she disappears in a twinkle of light, a la team rocket)_

"God Tseng what do we do? Don't you know anything about kids?"

"I deal with you Reno… that's my only experience of children"

"Call for backup or something!"

"Fine… but you can tell the president we couldn't handle a simple job" Tseng got out his phone and made the quick call.

About an hour later, the two men were hiding on top of a cupboard, the children dancing underneath with sharpened forks tied to Lego poles.

"Well this looks good" Tseng pushed Reno's elbow out of his face.

"Ho ho ho MERRY CHRISTMAS!" A jolly fat man appeared at the door, belly wobbling like a sackful of jelly.

"THAT'S OUR RESCUE?"

"…."

"Gather round children… see what Santa's brought you!" The white beard moved fakely as he talked, black bristles sticking out through it. A scar across one eye as he twinkled merrily at the tiny tots.

"Get him" the fattest toddler was deadpan serious. They rushed at Santa and soon reduced him to a blubbering mass of tears, beaten bruised and half naked. Clad only in Chocobo patterned boxer shorts that had obviously seen better days. An ominous brown stain…

_(Narrator returns with half a hedge sticking in her hair and several bruises, her clothes are ripped and she has trouble standing properly)_

"In an effort to calm the children down, the new psychologists have brought in a firm children's favourite … good old Santa Claus… oh.. They seem to have destroyed him… Ummm

Dr Tanya Byron, the head of the house is commenting to the parents in the safety of the quiet room about how well the children are working together as a team, and about their advanced knowledge of weapons and spells…

I blame television and video games… "

_(Narrator gets slapped on head by a stray Cait Sith action figure and falls head first into the sandpit where she sinks as some idiot has turned it into quick sand)_

"You guys are pathetic"

The children stop in surprise and look up. A huge man overshadows them. Running at his legs they attempt to bring him down, only to smash into his beefy legs and give themselves minor concussions. Calmly he picks up their weapons and ammo and snaps them in half like the crappy children's toys they are.

"Get him" the toddler speaks up again.

"Try it" Glaring down at the children, he adjusts the glasses he is famed for and looks menacing. They quiver slightly, the large black clad man intimidating them.

"….." a stare down ensues.

"Okay this is getting annoying. You guys concentrate too much on talking the kids to death. Just do what my mom did" he picks up the nearest evil child, smacks them gently on the butt and sends them on their way. Repeating the movement until he has disciplined every child in the house.

The children stand, open mouthed and confused, unsure how to take this unknown form of discipline.

"Yo Rude… what took you so long?"

"I was helping crowbar Heidegger into his Santa Suit…. I had to wash my hands… in bleach"

Tseng and Reno scrambled down, warily watching the assembled children.

"See…. Just needed some good old fashioned discipline" Rude grinned at the kiddies. Scratching his head, he wondered why they ran screaming at the sight of him.

"it's the smile…"


End file.
